A Challenge From God

I spent my time today seeking God where He is.  This is new for me so I am still learning the best way to do this.  I don't have any magic answers or fancy tricks to seek Him.  I am opening my heart, mind, and eyes to give Him the most opportunity to show Himself.  I'm getting small glimpses, but nothing whole picture.  Honestly, it is frustrating.  I haven't had something like this in my journey for a very long time.  God is taking me to a new place in my relationship with Him and I desperately want to go there, I just need to learn the way.  So, I am practicing with Jesus.  He is leading me in the paths of righteousness to come into full communion with God where He is.  A new depth of relationship is a beautiful thing, I just need to get there and I'm thankful for the Spirit's prompting to help.

My "God Box"

God seems to be very silent these last few weeks.  I have listened carefully and have read scripture seeking.  I have asked trusted advisors for words of wisdom and God is being quiet.  When this happens, because this isn't the first time, I usually begin to look around.  I don't sit and wallow thinking God has forgotten me.  Rather, I look to see where He is moving.  Sometimes when I seek God, I am looking for Him in a particular place or thinking He will respond in a particular way.  I need to stop looking for God in the "God box" I've fashioned and see Him where He is for who He is.  It's not easy.  At times, I don't want to see what He is really doing.  I want Him to do what I want Him to do or be where I want Him to be.  I believe the silence this time is God seeking me to meet Him where He is, instead of Him meeting me.

Waiting in Faith

Hosea 14:9 Who is wise? He will realize these things.  Who is discerning? He will understand them.  The ways of the Lord are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.

I'm gonna be honest.  I'm just struggling these days.  I'm asking for discernment.  I'm asking for wisdom.  They don't seem to be within my reach and I just can't seem to figure out what do to.  I have checked in with my typical advisors, but none seem to have any idea either.  I'm not panicking, I'm being patient and waiting.  However, there comes a point where I feel like I need to set a time frame so there is an endpoint at which to aim.  The issue for me is that I know God is working, I just have no indication from Him on the timeline.  That's become my prayer, that He would give me the eyes to look on my situation with a higher perspective.

Mindful Meditation

I don't have anything to write about today.  It's not that God isn't moving.  It's that I need time to let my mind soak Him in with some quiet time and mindful meditation.  Stop and be with God.

Temper Tantrum

What the heck?! That's my newest reaction to a current situation.  I am awaiting word and nothing seems to be happening.  I am incredibly frustrated right now and have told God.  I actually said to Him today, I don't want to hear anything from you. I just want the situation to be done. I am tired of waiting.  I am tired of trying to discern His will.  I am tired of watching people flounder around.  I am ready for God to do what God is going to do and just get it done.  I'm sure there is a Psalm somewhere that says that same thing, but in a much more eloquent way. :-) Today, I am tired of waiting.  Oh, I know it's worth it, but I don't want to hear it.  I'm just done.  Thank the Lord He is big enough to handle my little temper tantrum.  That is all.  Carry on.

Distractions

Distractions. It's difficult at times for me to stay focused during my time with God.  It can even be tricky for me to get started on time with God.  I find my mind wandering from place to place.  I think about work. I think about home. I think about the lawn. I think about the weather.  Unfortunately, this happens all too often.  So, in order to focus on God and give Him the attention He deserves, I have to clear all distractions from the room along with all of the distractions of the day.  This is only done when I ask Him to take them.  When my mind begins to wander, I recognize the thinking and ask God to take that thought.  I also try to picture Jesus sitting on the throne as I look up at Him.  I give all of my mind and body over to Jesus through a conscious effort.  It's the only way that I can fully enter into time with Him, to make the effort to not give in to my own inattentiveness.

Day Off

I'm taking today off from writing because it's my birthday.  Thank the Lord for another birthday!  To live is Christ!

Being Prepared

I am ready for something different.  I'm not sure what that is or how that's going to happen, but I'm ready for a change.  I have found through the years, I like to have things switched up about every 4-6 years.  I thrive on learning new things and taking on new challenges.  I have also learned that part of the reason I switch things up is because God calls me to something new.  I am in the process of listening very carefully.  God has not given me any indication that He is ready to give me a new calling, but I do feel very strongly that there is a change coming.  I don't even know what that means, but I know my heart is being prepared.  It becomes a listening time of being still and knowing who is God.  There is no panic in this waiting, just anticipation.

Grip the Truth

Acts 1:5 For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.

Today I am basking in the thought that I have been baptized with the Holy Spirit.  I have been given a gift, something that cannot ever be taken away yet, He is tangible.  Jesus is alive and I know this deep within my soul.  I am living in the power of his resurrection and I am being transformed into His new creation.  We get so hung up on baptism with water that we forget baptism is about a person.  Jesus became a man, died for our sins, was resurrected for our eternity, and ascended for our today.  Grip this truth with all you've got and see where He takes you!

Day of Rest

My newest difficulty is how to rest when rest seems unavailable.  I have weeks, even months where I don't have any free time to just relax and be still.  I get 10 minutes or there, but I really notice when I don't have a full day to not have a plan or an engagement.  I'm finding this to be very unhealthy for myself.  I'm also asking God to give me that time and help me to make that time for myself, so that I can be at my best for everyone around me, including Him.  These are the times where I am so tired that even time with God seems to be too taxing.  That's just sad.  True, but sad.  So now to make the time to get myself back to fully rested and ready to go.  I have found that the best way for me to do that, when I don't have a full day or can't find a full day, is to make time for things that I know will calm my spirit and give me time to focus on God very intentionally.  Things like meditation, baths, massages, workouts, or even just sitting on the couch without any distractions.  This strategy doesn't work to completely rejuvenate, but it does give me a little more life to my battery and I am able to make it to my next day of rest.  Days of rest are so important, so make time for them and help your loved ones to have time for them too.

Mistakes Happen

Is honesty the best policy?  I have tried to make my actions and words such that I would not need to lie about something I did or said, mostly because I don't like being wrong or getting in trouble.  I did that enough when I was two.  At the same time, I am human.  I make dumb choices and find myself trying to justify something I did or said.  I'm just not a fan of that.  As I've gotten older, I've gotten quicker at admitting when I've messed up.  Jeepers!  We're humans.  We are broken.  We don't make the best decisions every single time.  That doesn't mean I don't make an effort to pay attention to my actions or words.  Those moments when I fail are the times when I can let others see that I don't have it altogether and I still have things to learn and I can admit it.  I want to always make the best decision and say the right thing.  I just know that that's a long journey and I need the Spirit to be able to do it.  Mistakes happen.  It's how we respond to them that matters.  And honesty is a big deal.

The Unburdened Life

One of my worst fears is someone having a misperception of who I really am.  What's unfortunate is people often think because of my family I must not have anything bad happen, or that I must not struggle with anything.  The truth of the matter is, I live life too, a broken one.  My life goes along just like the rest of y'alls and I have problems that I face too.  I have struggles with self esteem, money, sadness, guilt, and so on.  My life is not perfect, nor am I.  I believe that the reason people think my life is so much simpler than everyone else's is because of how I appear to respond to these struggles.  I don't appear to respond to these struggles, which makes it look like I don't have them at all. The truth, I have spent the last 20+ years getting closer and closer to Jesus.  I have spent time with Him in relationship and have learned to turn my heart transformation over to Him.  I have watched my parents go through really terrible pain and sorrow and have seen the beauty in following Christ, even unto death.  My life is not easier because I'm a Teel.  My life is unburdened because of Jesus.  Please understand this.  It's not about me or my family, as I wrote in my blog two years ago.  It's about Jesus.

Lineage of Grace

This weekend I was flooded with memories of my mom and my grandparents who have gone to be with Jesus.  It has reminded me of the vastness of the blessing of my family.  I know not everyone has such a great experience and I am sensitive to that.  I must say, in light of my memories, I am overwhelmed by the love of Jesus I got to see in each and every one of my grandparents and even in the great grandparents that I knew.  God has given me a lineage of grace through both sides that is incomparable.  So in remembrance of my dad's side, Great Grandma Opal, Great Grandpa Teel and Grandpa Ralph and on my mom's side, Great Grandma Elsie, Grandma Betty, Grandpa Lenard and Mom, Becky Teel, I am eternally grateful for the gift of Jesus you showed and the way you walked with Him.  Hopefully I will be able to continue the lineage of grace.  Thanks be to God who goes behind us, beside us, and ahead of us!  Remember not all family is blood, so who has been your lineage of grace?

Washed In the Spirit

Father God, you are the master of the universe.  You have created us to be with you.  Your will for my life is the stronghold of all that I do.  I pray that you would make your plans known and that you would prepare the way.  In my trepidation of what lies ahead, I pray for your peace and your courage to walk whatever path set before me.  May I lean on you in all things and may I trust your work and your sovereignty in my life.  Thank you for your guidance and your discernment.  May your Spirit wash over me now.  Amen.

Be Loved and Love Others

Why do we let ourselves get to the complete end of ourselves before we do something?  Why is it that we have to hit rock bottom before we will ask God for help?  I feel the worst for people when they get to that point.  I always feel like I may have had something to offer before they got there, if they only would have asked.  I'm guessing that's exactly how God feels with us.  Instead we forge ahead as if we somehow need to buck up and do it ourselves.  We act as if we must do it all on our own, as if that is somehow what God wants from us.  In reality, God just wants us to come to Him.  It doesn't matter if we have left several things undone or if we have completed every task set before us. He loves us all the same.  The amount of work we do is not what He is after.  God is after our love, just as we are after His, even when we don't realize it.  The love of God is what gives us value, not how long we can hold on or how much we can accomplish.  My heart breaks when I see people pushing themselves beyond what they have been created to do.  Worry about being loved and loving others, that's it.

Busy Mind

This is another day where God is whispering, Be still.  That is my intention.  For me today, it is more an issue for my mind than my body.  I need my mind to be still.  Praying for peace and patience.  No fancy words, just stillness.

Real Struggle

I am at a point where I'm feeling like I know what may be ahead and I am completely afraid of what God might be up to.  I know that what He may have planned will only work if He goes before me and with me, and I recognize that I desperately need Him to do so.  I'm not sure I feel okay about this.  It is causing me a particular type of stress that I am unfamiliar with.  I am continually telling God that I feel completely inadequate (I realize this is a great place to be for Him to make an impact).  While at the same time I am crazy excited for what it is I think He is doing.  I'm just babbling, but it is a real struggle within right now. :-)  I guess the big question here is...Do I really want what God wants?

Getting Specific

Lately I've been praying for a very specific move in my life.  Today as I was praying this particular prayer as I was walking through the halls of school, I was stopped very abruptly by the thought, Boy I am being very picky and very specific about what I want God to do.  It's causing me a bit of pause even now.  I know we are to be specific in prayer and God already knows what I'm thinking anyway so why not just say it, but I don't know that what I'm praying for is really the best thing.  I have my own vision about what I want and I try to be connected to God so that His will becomes my will.  However, today I am struck by the thought that I have a very particular request.  It is only particular in one way, and the prayer could be answered in multiple ways, but I am being very specific with God.  I'm just not sure how I'm feeling about all of that right now.  It seems a little unfaithful while at the same time stepping in faith through prayer.  I am telling God what I want, but not expecting Him to move in any particular way.  Hmm...just thinking on this today.

Depth of Vision

I have learned to look for God in my everyday life.  There are days where I feel like He is everywhere and there are days where I feel like I can't see Him at all.  My eyes seem to have blinders on those days.  It's as if I walk around with tunnel vision only looking for God where I think He will be.  I'm not sure why I put Him back in my box.  I'm working so hard to keep God out of my box and in His Kingdom.  I am so quick to look at the world through my own eyes and the depth of my vision is so shallow.  I have to wipe the scales from my eyes and take a look at the face of Jesus to remember exactly Who it is I follow and how it is I live.  Only when I have the eyes of Christ can I truly see the work that God is doing, and then I seem to find Him in the oddest of places.  Alas, my poor vision plagues me once again.

Character Flaw

God has shown me the next part of my character that He is going to work on.  It's such a bummer to realize you have been doing something that is so contrary to who you think you are.  Then God shows you your heart and you think, hmm...I was in the dark about my own self.  I'm always glad God keeps changing my heart and making me more like Christ, while at the same time keeping me humble.  I am hoping this heart change is quick because I want this part of my character to be different, but I feel like my thoughts will be a long journey to transform.  Thankfully, it's God's job to make the change.  My heart is aware, open, and willing.  Thank the Lord for His transformational grace.

Today's Prayer

Father God, thank you for the life you have given me, for the way you step in when I am completely unable to go on.  You dare me to move and give me the strength to do so.  You are the reason I do what I do.  I am so grateful to you for you willingness to be in my life and make me a beautiful creation.  Thank you for your love, the gift of your Son, and the movement of the Spirit in, around, and through me.  Amen.

Couple Calling

Dalton and I have a calling as a couple.  We waited to get married until we knew what God was calling us to do as a couple.  I find that knowing this call and living it out is so very life giving, in moments when I am completely at my own end in my personal calling.  God uses our couple calling to lift the heaviness from my spirit and to overflow my heart.  It is an amazing gift we have been given and we do not take it lightly.

Simple and Necessary

Lately, I have had one day a week, where I feel the need to just sit with God and not talk or anything.  I don't ask questions.  I don't praise.  I don't pray.  I just sit with Him in the moment and listen.  It is complete relaxation when I do this.  I feel my shoulders drop and the stress just melts to the floor.  His Spirit washes over me and I feel lifted and whole.  I think this is God's way of telling me to remember that I am created to be in relationship with Him, to spend time with Him, not to work myself into the ground doing things for Him or His Kingdom.  It's simple, and so necessary.

Stay Focused

Following Jesus and allowing him to change your life is hard work.  It takes continually committing your time and your effort to focus on God's will in your life.  I don't mean it's a list of rules to keep track of or a lifestyle to try to live.  What I mean is, I am continually thinking about the ways in which God is changing me and working in me and deliberately committing those things to Him.  It doesn't just happen.  It takes focus and awareness to let the Spirit transform my heart.  I can't just say, "God change me" without putting forth my own thoughts and will to be changed.  Not that I'm making the change, but rather that I am allowing God to change my heart.  He is a gentleman and He will only do to my heart what I will allow.  I not only have to want it, but I also have to accept it and stay focused on Jesus throughout the process, no matter how uncomfortable it might be at times.  It's not simple, but it's totally worth it.  I just have to stay focused on the transformation.

It Takes Time

I don't really have any major thoughts today.  Mostly just that God is moving.  It is obvious and I hope you are seeing Him in your life as well.  I don't know how to convey what I am experiencing at this moment.  It isn't that everything is going swimmingly well, it's just that I know that God is on the move and I am at peace about the time it is taking.  This peace has been about two months in the making, just to let you know that God is not always speedy, in our terms of the word. Be patient and wait on the Lord.

Trust!

I mentioned yesterday that my word for this year (for me it's a school year) is trust.  I have been focusing on that and realizing now that God is building my trust in Him as this year is progressing.  I have found there have been times of drought that have led me to trust when nothing was being offered as affirmation.  I have been in times of exhaustion, when all I needed was a moment of respite and one could not be had.  This time allowed me the opportunity to lean fully on God and build my trust in His qualifications.  I have had times of complete joy, where all I did was laugh uncontrollably and see the beauty in my job, which reminded me to trust that I have been made for a specific purpose.  I have had moments of sadness where tears could not be contained and healing came through them along with the trust to know I am cared for very deeply.  Now it is trust in the waiting for hopes to be fulfilled and continued actions of grace that show God is in full control.  He is on the throne and He has a plan!  Trust!

Renewed and Assured

Job 42:2-3 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know."

This statement from Job comes after God has questioned him at the end of the book.  This is currently where I am with God.  I have questioned God and his timing, knowing full well that He knows what He is doing, but still questioning.  I have been reminded by Him that He has a plan and a purpose and He will not be deterred.  I have been assured that I have spoken of things I do not understand and things that I cannot even begin to fathom their enormity or awesomeness.  This is the God we serve.  He is the one who created something from nothing.  Who wrote all of our days in His book before one ever came to be.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  Trust is my word for this school year.  And trust I will do.  I have been renewed...again.  Praise the Lord that He doesn't give up on me!

Prayer of Release

Father God, I am tired and I am worn.  You know my inmost thoughts.  You know my mind is full of things I am trying to lay at your feet.  Give me the courage to let them go and allow you to have all of them.  You have promised that your yoke is easy and your burden is light.  May I allow myself the opportunity to give you all things and experience your easy yoke and your light burden.  Lift my heavy spirit by taking my burdens that I may not grow weary or faint, but will find rest in you.  Amen.

Sit Quietly

Take time today to just rest in Jesus' arms.  Feel your whole body sink into him as he comforts and fills your soul.  If possible spend at least 10 minutes just sitting quietly with Jesus.

Self Condemnation

So...I'm not very good at extending grace to myself.  I sometimes extend grace to others to a fault, which I find fascinating.  In talking to God about my lack of grace for my own mistakes, He led me to John 3:16.  Appropriate, right?  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." And on to verse 17..."For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save it."  This is obviously the next part of my journey with Jesus, learning to extend grace to myself.  I have set high standards for myself, knowing full well that I am human.  I just don't always do very well with my own humanity and I disappoint myself.  I know that God is not disappointed in me and I know that He has grace enough to cover me, and does, so why do I condemn myself? I am beginning to think on how my lack of grace for self affects my relationship with Jesus.  I don't have answers yet, but I have been primed for growth.  And now to set the Spirit to work.  Alas, sanctification is a long journey, but praise the Lord for not giving up on me.